took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
