highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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