his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
