How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
