Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
When are your genitals available?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
