**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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