i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
