I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
