had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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