Someone shit on the floor
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
