Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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