i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
