You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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