I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
