I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My penis needs a shock collar
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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