when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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