literally had 100 drinks last night.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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