I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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