You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
