Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
