i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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