Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
