Cold hands, warm shart.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
