ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
