I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
