If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
