Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
