Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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