Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
