I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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