Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
