It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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