I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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