Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Someone signed my nipple.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
