can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
