I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
