Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
