cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
