What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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