last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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