im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
