I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
