I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
