i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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