tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
