remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
