I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
What a dumb baby whore.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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