I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He better not be in your backpack
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
