don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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