capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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