9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
