What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
