she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
